


pretend (until you can call it courage)

by Firefly_Aki



Category: Naruto
Genre: Character Study, F/M, Gen, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I haven't even consumed the source material, Implied/Referenced Character Death, No beta we die like mne, Psychological Trauma, Uchiha Sasuke Has Issues, Uchiha Sasuke-centric, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-02
Updated: 2019-11-02
Packaged: 2021-01-16 22:42:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 941
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21278927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Firefly_Aki/pseuds/Firefly_Aki
Summary: There's a sense of finality when his hand cuts through muscle and sinew and bone, through bond and spirit and heart.Sasuke is past the point of no return.(There will never be enough time in the world to atone for this.).In which the author attempts to reconcile (canon) dumpster fire Uchiha Sasuke with the Sasuke seen in Boruto.





	pretend (until you can call it courage)

**Author's Note:**

> Straight up, I did _not_ like Uchiha Sasuke throughout the series. I couldn't stand all the shit he did to the people who proved time and time again that they loved him. Too busy chasing after the family that left him. Then I saw clips of him in Boruto. _That_ Sasuke I like a whole lot more. I don't believe that a switch flicked and suddenly Sasuke's repentant and willing to fix his mistakes. There had to be remorse _before_ he defected (again) to the 'good' side.
> 
> And, uh, **huge disclaimer:** I haven't watched or read _Naruto_ and I probably never will. I don't know what the hell I'm doing writing a goddamn _character study_ of all things when I haven't even done that.
> 
> Title is inspired by the song _Earth_ by Sleeping At Last, but I had _Your Biggest Mistake_ by Ellie Goulding on repeat while writing this.

The Uchiha curse is an open secret within Konoha's forces. 

All Uchiha have a trigger, and Kami-sama help you if you set it off because the Uchiha in question will do their utmost to ensure you go down with them. 

Uchiha are cold, unapproachable. But an Uchiha can be your most ardent defender, or your worst enemy. They love deeply, profoundly and selfishly, and hate just as intensely.

(The similarity between hate and love is passion. Unfortunately, Uchiha have that in spades.) 

The first few days after the massacre (the massacre that lasted years and years and years but _only for a day—_) are spent quiet and shell-shocked. 

There’s a void, a missing piece. 

(_where is he? brother, where are you? please, don’t leave me here._)

He feels unbearably young yet so agonizingly ancient at the same time. 

(The product of seeing more blood and trauma than most shinobi ever will.)

Then the anger comes. The betrayal. 

_Itachi, Itachi why, why did you do it, why didn't yOu _KiLL **mE**— 

He hates Itachi with every fiber of his being.

When _that man_ is dead, everything will be better. This is the only thing he knows with certainty.

(What he's thinking of is a fairytale.)

(What they don't tell you is that in real life, the story doesn't end when the monster is slain.)

(You only learn to live with the pain.)

` 

Parents whisper and gossip when he passes by. 

_The Last Loyal Uchiha_, they call him. _That poor boy,_ is another. 

Their daughters sigh and want his love. 

Their sons gawk and want to be him. 

They don't know anything. They don't want his life. 

(_He_ doesn't want his life.) 

They don't want him, only the idea of who he is. 

(Itachi didn't want him either.) 

Some days he feels like the little broken boy curled up with the dead (_murdered_) bodies of his parents as Itachi (_the prized son, the_ **murderer**) smiles. 

Those are the days he feels like the wrong word could shatter the pieces of him bandaged together with sheer force of his rage. Of his hatred. 

_Itachi, Itachi, why did you leave me behind—_

(He will always be that broken boy.)

In the end, he turns away from Konoha and their Will of Fire. 

(_Weak_, he thinks when he goes to see Sakura one final time.)

Without Konoha holding his chains and keeping him from realizing his true potential, he can finally do as he pleases. 

He's free to hunt down Itachi. He can't be at peace while the _kinslayer_ breathes. So what if he needs to do a few things here and there for Orochimaru? 

He doesn't need Konoha, doesn't need Sakura, doesn't need _Naruto_.

He doesn't. 

_I want to go home_, is the deepest, most hidden thought in his subconscious.

Home, with Otou-san and his late hours and gentle hands and his stoic but obvious love for his family. 

Home, with Kaa-san and her cooking and her smiles, eyes crinkling with mischief when she would sneak him treats before dinner. 

Home, with Itachi. Before the massacre; before the lust for blood overtook the love; before, before, _before_. 

The images of _had been_ are overlaid with _the new_. 

Kakashi-sensei, entertained and reluctantly fond of Team Seven's constant bickering. 

(His desperation in Wave. The exhaustion that dogged his steps for days afterwards. The way he always had them within eyesight as much as possible.)

Naruto, with his stupidly bright smile and impossible, unflagging energy—something which Sasuke is secretly envious of. With him, energy is always in short supply. 

Never enough hours in the day. Too many at night.

(Anger burns hot, the emptiness it leaves is not.) 

Sakura… 

Sakura. 

He wants to go back. It shames him to even contemplate. 

After everything he's done, after all the years he spent trying to purge the petty desires, they persist. How _childish_ those desires are in the face of the inferno that erupts when he thinks of his brother.

Get stronger. Kill him. Kill _Itachi_. Avenge the clan. There is no room for anything else, not even himself. 

(He's burned so many bridges, hurt so many people, in his own desperate quest for power he doesn't know what he'd do if it all meant nothing.)

He can't turn back. 

Not for the first time, Sasuke resents Itachi for the path he sent them down.

_Stop following me_, the irritation is nothing new and welcomed, but the small, pathetic part of him that says _please_ is not. 

(please i'm not worth it, please i can't _stop_) 

There's a sense of finality when his hand cuts through muscle and sinew and bone, through bond and spirit and heart. 

_That's it, then_, he thinks. Naruto will surely give up now. 

Surely give up on _him_.

Sasuke is past the point of no return. 

(There will never be enough time in the world to atone for this.)

His mind is filled with static, and he can't decide if it's horror—_if Naruto gives up on him, then he really is damned_—or elation. One step closer to the goal.

He doesn't turn back. 

(He doesn't, but the pathetic traitorous thing wants.)

(What he wants doesn't matter. Only Itachi does.)

(It's always him.)

_I hate you, I hate you, I will never stop hating you—_

(_what did I do wrong, please come home, please tell me_ why) 

_Too weak, too weak to do anything, too weak to _stop him_, always too weak, must get stronger, I have to kill him_—

(_i love you, i miss you_) 

(_i thought you_ loved me.)

Itachi's death didn't make the pain stop.

...

(the truth made it worse.)

**Author's Note:**

> July 2020 edit: I don't know why I feel the need to constantly change and add things to this fic but this is like, the third or fourth edit in the past two months.


End file.
